View Full Version : haha???????
zokah
03-12-2005, 04:42 AM
FIVE KINDS OF SEX
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until
you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere,
anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in
the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of
everyone in court.
zokah
03-12-2005, 04:42 AM
LOVE SALAD
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother
who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is
already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up
to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend
to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she
wants a new position.
"Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!"
She screams. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!"
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"
zokah
03-12-2005, 04:44 AM
The Evils Of Marijuana
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"
"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly.
"Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
zokah
03-12-2005, 04:49 AM
A little farm boy was walking to the school bus one morning when he began kicking farm animals. First he kicked a pig. Then he kicked a chicken. Lastly he kicked a cow.
His mother, watching from the kitchen window decided she would handle the situation after he returned from school. When he comes home from school, his mother confronts him and says "I seen you this morning kicking those farm animals. since you kicked a pig you get no pork products for a week. Since you kicked a chicken you get no eggs for a week. Since you kicked a cow, you get no beef products for a week. Now go wait for your father and tell him what you have done. "
The young boy goes and waits for his father. When his father comes home from a long day of work he is so mad he kicks the cat across the front yard. The boy looks to his mother and says "You wanna tell him no pussy or do you want me to?"
LTDunltd
03-12-2005, 07:18 AM
:lol:
:lol:
:lol:
:lol:
:lol:
GTA07
03-19-2005, 09:39 AM
yea funny one
zokah
03-25-2005, 04:06 AM
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three naked, very dark-skinned men sitting on a park bench. The men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a pink penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes," said the gentleman. "Why is it the man in the middle has a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "They're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me! My penis is turning orange!"
The doctor says," Well, what do you do for a living?"
The man replies, "I'm unemployed. I just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching pornos."
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a quickie, but a man can do it by himself!
zokah
03-25-2005, 04:07 AM
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father was trying to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself — television, ice cream, homework, video games — but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, and the game resumed. After the poker game ended — with Johnny still out of sight — the father asked the uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny?" "Not much," the uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."
A pregnant woman walks into a bank one day to withdraw some cash, when the bank is robbed. Bullets fly everywhere, and she herself gets three in the abdomen. She is immediately rushed to hospital with fear that her soon-to-be child is dead. The doctors find out that in fact she is pregnant with triplets, not one of whom is hurt. Yet the doctors cannot find the bullets anywhere. The woman later gives birth to three healthy children — two girls a boy.
Shortly after the triplets turned 12, the first girl comes running up to her mother, saying, "Mommy, mommy, I passed a bullet today in the toilet!" So the mother brings the child up in her lap and proceeds to tell her about the bank robbery 12 years ago. Shortly after that, the other girl comes running up saying "Mommy, mommy, I passed a bullet today!" So again the mother pulls the child up to her lap and tells her of the incident 12 years ago.
Later the boy runs up to his mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, you'll never guessed what happened today!" "Did you pass a bullet as well?" she asks. "No," he answers. "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"
wutangstan
03-25-2005, 10:58 AM
*sounds of laughter, eminating from Gt Britain!!
wutangstan
03-25-2005, 11:00 AM
A side of bacon rushes out of the hospital, whooping and cheering.
A passerby asks why he's so happy, to which the bacon replies.
'I'm Cured!!!!!!!'.
Badum tish, I thankyou.
i`m a wannabe
05-07-2005, 06:59 AM
you trying to postwhore do you can overtake ltd?
LTDunltd
05-07-2005, 04:35 PM
he had more post then I did this morn when I got on, but a little post whoring on my part put him back by 1:D
it's all temporary...enjoy being ahead while you can larry
zokah
05-07-2005, 09:56 PM
xenry has out whored LTD again.........it must be all the experience he gained from his 2 weeks with pian :D
will ya stop with the pianomahn gags already? We know you're obsessed with him and that's why you keep bringing him up but it's getting a little sad now
i`m a wannabe
05-08-2005, 05:47 AM
now all we need is stan to emerge from the darkness and do his postwhoring bit like he did at the old site
zokah
05-08-2005, 06:09 AM
he can help Larry
i`m a wannabe
05-08-2005, 06:18 AM
with the idiots guide to postwhoring book
wutangstan
05-08-2005, 09:03 AM
.I'm.
wutangstan
05-08-2005, 09:03 AM
.not.
wutangstan
05-08-2005, 09:04 AM
into.
wutangstan
05-08-2005, 09:04 AM
post.
wutangstan
05-08-2005, 09:04 AM
whoring
wutangstan
05-08-2005, 09:04 AM
as...
wutangstan
05-08-2005, 09:05 AM
much.
wutangstan
05-08-2005, 09:05 AM
nowadays.
LTDunltd
05-08-2005, 04:45 PM
quality over quanty???
MamaBush
05-08-2005, 07:10 PM
Joke: Penis Vs Prick
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.
MamaBush
05-08-2005, 07:12 PM
Joke: Who am I
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed at least four or five times."
LTDunltd
05-09-2005, 03:53 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
A landlord is behind the bar when in walks a businessman. “What’ll you have?” asks the publican. “A scotch, please,” says the businessman. The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be two quid.” “What are you talking about?” says the man, angry. “I don’t owe you anything.” A nearby lawyer turns to the bartender. “You know, he’s got you there,” he says. “In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” The bartender’s not impressed, but relents as he turns to the first man. “OK, you got yourself a free drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, the same businessman walks into the bar – and the landlord is furious. “Get out! I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!” “What’re you talking about?” says the man. “I’ve never been in this place in my life.” The barman is suddenly embarrassed. “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” The businessman grins at him. “Cheers! Make it a scotch.”
Pinocchio complains to his father saying ‘Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.’
His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his knob down whenever he needs to.
A few days later during dinner his father asks, ‘How are the girls?’
Pinocchio replies, ‘Girls? Who needs girls?’
this one's for stanley
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, ‘Can you smell fish?’
badum tish!
Two rabbits, who have spent their whole lives in a laboratory, are set free
one night by an animal activist. They run off into the countryside and come across
a field of carrots. Instinct takes over: they get stuck in and start to eat all
the carrots they can, until they fall asleep. The following night, they go into a field
of cabbages. Again, they eat all they can and fall asleep. The night after that, they
find a field full of lettuce, which, as before, they proceed to chomp through until they
fall asleep. The next night they find themselves in a field full of lady rabbits, all of
whom are willing partners. They do what comes naturally and embark upon an all-night
shagging session. In the morning, the older rabbit decides he wants to return to the
lab. ‘What the hell for?’ asks his pal. ‘We’ve had carrots, cabbages, lettuce and, best
of all, those ladies last night. What’s your problem?’ ‘Life is sweet, I agree,’ says the
older chap. ‘But the thing is, I’m dying for a fag!’
A man goes to his doctor and admits that he has a sexual problem.
‘I just can’t get it up for my wife any more,’ he says.
‘Don’t worry, Mr Williams,’ says the doctor. ‘Bring your wife in and I’ll see what I can
do.’
The couple come in the next day and the doctor asks the wife to remove her clothes.
Then he asks her to turn around and jump up and down.
He turns to the man. ‘You’re fine,’ he says. ‘She didn’t give me an erection either
Three guys are comparing their drunkenness from the night before.
The first guy says, ‘I was so drunk I don’t even know how I got home … I just woke
up in my bed in a pool of sweat.’
‘Oh yeah?’ brags the second guy. ‘I was so wasted I took home a strange woman
and was having sex with her when my wife walked in.’
‘That’s nothing,’ says the third guy. ‘I was so pissed I was blowing chunks all night.’
‘Big deal,’ scoff the other two.
The third guy says, ‘I don’t think you understand – Chunks is the name of my dog.’
A traffic policeman pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the lady
driver.
‘Ma'am, why were you weaving all over the road?’ he asks.
‘Oh, officer!’ the woman replies. ‘Thank goodness you're here! I almost had a terrible accident. Swerving to avoid a tree, I looked up to find another tree right in front of me. So I pulled the car over to the right and there, yet again, was another tree in front of me!’
The copper nods, then points to the rear-view mirror. ‘Ma'am,’ he says, patiently. ‘That's your air freshener.’
Three new inmates are sitting in their cell, contemplating their futures.
The first one takes out a mouth organ. ‘At least I can keep myself amused by
playing a little music. It’ll help to pass the time.’
The second takes out a pack of cards. ‘We can while away the time
playing poker,’ he says.
The third man takes out a box of tampons.
‘What the hell are you going to do with those?’ the other two ask.
He grins and says, ‘It says on the box I can ride, swim, ski and play tennis with these.’
A boy comes home from school looking sheepish. ‘Dad,’ he moans, ‘We had a class spelling contest today, and I failed on the very first word.’ ‘Ah, that’s okay, son,’ says his father, looking over his glasses at him. ‘What was the word?’ The son looks even more miserable. ‘Posse,’ he replies. His father bursts out laughing. ‘Well, no wonder you couldn’t spell it,’ he roars. ‘You can’t even pronounce it!’
Settling down at the bar to enjoy his drink, a man suddenly hears a
voice say, ‘You've got lovely ears, you have. Really lovely.’
He looks around, but doesn't see anybody, so he carries on with his drink.
A few seconds later, he hears the same voice saying, ‘I really like your haircut,
it really suits you.’ Again, he looks round, and again he sees nothing.
He goes back to his pint, but as soon as it reaches his lips he hears the same voice.
‘What a beautiful smile, it makes you look stunning.’ This time the man beckons the
barman over. ‘Did you hear that voice telling me how nice I looked?' he asks.
‘Oh, think nothing of it,’ says the barman. ‘That's the peanuts on the bar – they're
complimentary.’
i`m a wannabe
05-10-2005, 12:29 AM
the postman always leaves his mark
that joke was 2 pages ago!!
i`m a wannabe
05-10-2005, 01:15 AM
so....better late than never :p
i`m a wannabe
05-10-2005, 01:17 AM
if you take away the worthless postwhoring on the previous page its only one page back :p
sweet jeebus, i try my best to entertain u lot with some good jokes IN THE JOKES THREAD and i get accussed of postwhoring.
zokah
05-10-2005, 03:11 AM
which you are prolly enjoying as it gives you the chance to postwhore some more
LTDunltd
05-10-2005, 05:48 AM
[QUOTE=xen]this one's for stanley
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, ‘Can you smell fish?’
badum tish![/QUOTE]:dunno:
LTDunltd
05-10-2005, 05:50 AM
[QUOTE=xen]sweet jeebus, i try my best to entertain u lot with some good jokes IN THE JOKES THREAD and i get accussed of postwhoring.[/QUOTE]that gives me an idea:loldevil:
[QUOTE=LTDunltd]:dunno:[/QUOTE]
a perch is a type of fish
i`m a wannabe
05-11-2005, 12:36 AM
ltd gonna postwhore somehow?
LTDunltd
05-11-2005, 05:49 AM
I got the joke xen, it just wasn't that funny...
i`m a wannabe
05-11-2005, 06:11 AM
xen thought it was
well i just post 'em, i don't write 'em so if you have any issues, pls write a detailed e-mail to gofuckyourself@noonecaresnoreverwill.com
zokah
05-12-2005, 03:16 AM
http://forumerz.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=425&stc=1
AAWON ANNA TOO!! HA HA HA TOO BALLS!
LTDunltd
05-12-2005, 05:16 AM
xen, the link no work...:mad:
Yes I knew it was a blank email link...:lol:
i`m a wannabe
05-12-2005, 06:16 AM
lmao @ ltd
zokah
05-13-2005, 02:20 AM
hehehehe.......xenny missed out but I'm very happy that you copied me on the email Larry, they were faptastic pics ;)
i`m a wannabe
05-13-2005, 02:34 AM
looky here xen is 1000 posts behind zokie
he's the long term target, first i have to catch up and pass you....
i`m a wannabe
05-14-2005, 12:53 AM
you may get your chance soon as i actually have to start doing more work again at home with china exports:p
zokah
05-14-2005, 03:35 AM
he was 1k behind last nite, when I came on tonite he'd been postwhoring and clawed back 50
i`m a wannabe
05-14-2005, 03:37 AM
time for him to lose that 50 again
zokah
05-14-2005, 04:10 AM
are you referring to his postcount or his a$$?
i`m a wannabe
05-14-2005, 04:17 AM
.both.
zokah
05-14-2005, 09:26 PM
go to bed
no, it's lunctime...but i've got no appetite..too many work problems :(
zokah
05-14-2005, 11:27 PM
that sux bro.
get to work and solve them instead of postwhoring here, when you do you'll be able to work on catching me
i`m a wannabe
05-15-2005, 05:06 AM
i think xenry needs a competent sexatery
zokah
05-15-2005, 05:21 AM
maybe but I suspect if he spent more time working and less time cybering it'd be better
[size=1]for me[/size]
i`m a wannabe
05-15-2005, 06:15 AM
either way its gonna take him some time to haul in the 1000 post gap
LTDunltd
05-15-2005, 11:09 AM
[QUOTE=xen]he's the long term target, first i have to catch up and ass you....[/QUOTE]watch it wammabe, your are his target:eek:
i`m a wannabe
05-15-2005, 09:11 PM
[QUOTE=LTDunltd]watch it wammabe, your are his target:eek:[/QUOTE]
lmao
xen keeps letting out his fettishes and no way is he getting my arse
zokah
05-16-2005, 03:01 AM
after your preformence @ compounds I think pian is after it and since xenny is his friend they'll prolly share
LTDunltd
05-16-2005, 09:47 AM
think they will tag team him???
zokah
05-17-2005, 02:21 AM
which of the 3 would enjoy it most?
LTDunltd
05-17-2005, 10:38 AM
maybe they will do a ghey-go-round:lol:
[QUOTE=zokah]that sux bro.
get to work and solve them instead of postwhoring here, when you do you'll be able to work on catching me[/QUOTE]
meh, this place cheers me up :)
zokah
05-18-2005, 02:14 AM
I know and it's more enjoyable for everyone when you can spend time with us here, but you gotta have the priorities right or you ain't gonna be able to shell out for Ks wedding in 30years time - if you think thats not to young for her :D
zokah
05-18-2005, 04:09 AM
LAPD, CIA, FBI Rivalry
The heads of the CIA, FBI, and the LAPD were in a conference with the president of the United States. They couldn't accomplish much, however, because of their incessant rivalry with regards to which agency could apprehend suspects the most efficiently and quickly.
The president decides to settle it once and for all by releasing a rabbit into the woods and timing the results of the agencies as a test of efficiency.
The CIA places several animal informants in the woods and after eighteen weeks of deep cover questioning of all the animal, plant and mineral witnesses, they conclude that the rabbit has fled to a foreign country and that they need arms to trade with Columbia in order to get cooperation with extradition efforts.
The FBI surrounds the woods with its own agents and those of the ATF after reports that the rabbit has armed himself and is operating a militia using the woods as a hub of operation. After four weeks of frustation and standoff they rush the woods without warrants and accidentally burn down the whole damned woods with a malfunctioning tear gas canister, killing 112 rabbits, several hundred animal hostages and innocent onlookers. They insisted, however that the rabbit had it coming because they had given him ample time to give himself up.
The LAPD sent four uniformed officers into the woods and in less than an hour returned with a badly beaten black bear who was screaming Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit.
The president gave up.
zokah
05-18-2005, 04:11 AM
The Beer Bill of Rights
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.
Amendment II
A well-stocked bar being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to brew and consume beer shall not be infringed.
Amendment III
No beer shall, in time of heat be quartered in any house without refrigeration, nor in time of cold, except in a manner prescribed by law.
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their beer, bottles, glasses, and brewing effects, against unreasonable searches and seziures, shall not be violated, and no last calls shall be issued, but upon the proper time, supported by the clock, and particularly offering the bar patrons the opportunity to purchase and consume one more beer before closing.
Amendment V
No person shall be held to consume a second-rate, or otherwise infamous beer, unless on presentment or indictment of a large bar bill, except in cases arising in block parties or backyard barbecues, or at a fraternity house, when in actual celebration in time of holidays or sporting events; nor shall any person subject for the same bar bill to be twice put in jeopardy of cash or credit; nor shall be compelled in any drinking establishment to purchase beer for anyone other than himself; nor be deprived of beer without due process of law; nor shall private stocks of beer be taken for public consumption without just compensation.
Amendment VI
In all drinking establishments, the patron shall enjoy the right to speedy and courteous service, by a qualified bartender of the establishment wherein the beer shall have been ordered, which establishment shall have been previously licensed by law, and to be informed of the nature and price of the beer; to be presented with the bar tab against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining the beer which was ordered, and to have the assistance of the bartender for service.
Amendment VII
In bills at drinking establishments, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of service shall be preserved, and no tab presented by a bartender shall be otherwise re-examined in any drinking establishment in the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Amendment VIII
Excessive drinking shall not be required, nor excessive prices imposed, nor cruel and unusual beers inflicted.
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain beers, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others consumed by the people.
Amendment X
The beers not supplied to the bars by mass marketing, nor brewed in microbreweries, are reserved to the brewpubs respectively, or to the people.
zokah
05-18-2005, 04:25 AM
The Bricklayer's Accident Report
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. Youasked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure aslow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope...
i`m a wannabe
05-18-2005, 05:27 AM
that is so funny
elmtree
05-18-2005, 09:22 AM
[font=Comic Sans MS][size=3][color=orange]The 'Bricklayer' Urban Legend has been around for quite awile. The Discovery Channel's 'Mythbusters' show did an experiment based on it and found it to be impossible http://dsc.discovery.com/fansites/mythbusters/episode/episode_06.html[/color][/size][/font]
LTDunltd
05-18-2005, 08:13 PM
elmer, it's a joke, get it? a joke. damn funny joke at that too...:lol:
i`m a wannabe
05-19-2005, 12:33 AM
elmer is suffering from too much porn
zokah
05-19-2005, 02:03 AM
sorry elmer, I can't believe it didn't really happen unless you can provide a link form a trustworthy site like snopes or something not aligned with Fox :p
i`m a wannabe
05-19-2005, 03:49 AM
elmer needs a reality check..them stories are funny wether it happened or not :p
i`m a wannabe
05-20-2005, 12:44 AM
. :D :D :D :D
LTDunltd
05-20-2005, 02:25 AM
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered the money his parents gave him. "Hmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough? Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that liar!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
LTDunltd
05-20-2005, 02:27 AM
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear beneath her dress! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, he went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, he confirmed that he's interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, he showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. He quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500!"
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
LTDunltd
05-20-2005, 02:35 AM
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an inhabited island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
LTDunltd
05-20-2005, 02:40 AM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything!"
i`m a wannabe
05-20-2005, 02:51 AM
funny ltd
LTDunltd
05-20-2005, 02:55 AM
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you sir that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well... what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the...!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother-in-law's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
"You shot her? Good job, expect a bonus in your next pay check and take a two week vacation."
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i`m a wannabe
05-20-2005, 03:01 AM
sounds like a mexican caretaker
LTDunltd
05-20-2005, 03:03 AM
A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."
He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again..."
zokah
05-20-2005, 03:11 AM
rofflez
i`m a wannabe
05-20-2005, 03:24 AM
thats a cracker
i`m a wannabe
05-21-2005, 03:49 AM
what would they earn with 3 daughters....lmao
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