I'm getting OLD

[MamaBush]

[color=magenta]As Larry and most of you know, my dad and I have NEVER gotten along...and I do mean NEVER. Bottom line is he's an ASS....openly stated many times while I was growing up, that he doesn't like me because I'm "TOO FUCKING INDEPENDENT" (his words). I did everything I could throughout my life to get that man to like and love me...excelled in school, excelled in college, always took care of my own bills and issues, worked since I was 14, never got into any legal problems as my brothers had. While getting my two Bachelor's degrees, I would show him how I had made the Dean's list over and over again, and did this while going to school full time, working full time, and raising my daughter with no help from anyone, including her father. When I would show him my name on the Dean's lists, he would look at it, roll his eyes, and simply put the paper down, saying nothing.[/color]
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[color=#ff00ff]When I was in high school, and had the time to do portraits, I was so excited when a person offered me $400 (which was a lot of money back in 1978) for a portrait I had done of one of my friends....(I did not take the money, because the portrait was his graduation gift). Anywho, when I told my parents about the offer of $400, the only thing that came out of that man's mouth was, "It's just another N----R drawing."[/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]It was like pulling teeth to get him to accept my daughter after she was born, which he finally did, but because she was biracial, it took him quite a long time to look past that and realize she was also part of our family, part of my blood, which meant she was part of his blood.[/color]
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[color=#ff00ff]He has always treated my mom like shit...why she stayed with him for so many years amazes me. I have not looked at my father's face in God knows how many years, because when I would look at him, I would get sick to my stomach. God, I'm sorry that I'm rambling...but, I feel I need to give a little background. [/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]When I went to see my parents yesterday, I was unfortunately there when my dad got a call from ONE of his doctors (he has sooo many) that he now has prostate cancer. He had his bladder removed about 3 years ago due to bladder cancer as well. The doctor thinks he may also have bone cancer, and is going in next week for those tests.[/color]
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[color=#ff00ff]My problem is....I think I'm getting old and getting soft when it comes to my father. He's basically a small shell of a man now....has little memory of anything past his military time, he has parkinson's disease, so can't walk well, hasn't driven a car in years due to his alzheimer's disease and how he can't find his way anywhere he would drive. I personally think that not only has age taken a toll on him, but he's also an alcoholic and prescription drug addict....which I feel has contributed to so many of his medical problems.[/color]
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[color=#ff00ff]While I sat there at my parents house, I was actually feeling bad for my dad.....he sat there and cried, saying he can't take much more, and if he does have bone cancer, he wants to simply die. Which I agree with, at his age, going through chemotherapy would be worse than the cancer itself. But I also remember him bitching and cutting my favorite Uncle down for not getting Chemo when he had bone cancer....my Uncle was in his late 70's and said he had lived his life, had a good life, and it was time to simply let go and make room for another baby on the Earth. [/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]Does it mean I'm getting old and soft since I'm feeling bad for my father after so many years of him being such an asshole towards me? I still couldn't hug him or look at his face when I was there yesterday, but I have never felt sympathy for him or anything about him....and NOW I DO :( [/color]

[LTDunltd]

[size=2]It’s called compassion

[/size]Because you are better then him.

[MamaBush]

Thank you Larry....


but, why does it make me feel so weird???

[xen]

i can't put it any better than larry.

it's all the conflicting emotion that's making you feel weird. But let your heart show you the way. He's an old sick man, holding on to past bitterness isn't going to help either of you. You are a better person than him.

[zokah]

From what you've written you have always loved him and wanted him to be proud of you for achieving so much and displaying many talents. He, I suspect is a product of another era, one where women were expected to excel at cooking and making a comfortable home for their husband and needed no more education past the level required to make a grocery list.
You however knew you had talent and brains and were born into an age where it became acceptable for women to use them to the fullest capacity and you have done that.
I recently watched a doco on Winston Churchill and it pointed out that in his autobiography written prior to WW11 he told how he had a similar type of father, nothing the son could do up until the time of the death of the father was good enough to warrant praise. As history shows he went on to be a much greater man than the father. I'm sure you will do the same (but you won't be a man)
Coming to grips with ones mortality is different to talking about someone else's. That your father now chooses not to have chemo despite deriding his brother for making the same choice shows that he has some grasp fo reality despite the altzheimers but I guess he knows how bad chemo can be for I assume he would have undergone some before the radical surgery with the bladder cancer.
I often asked the same question "why does mum stay with him when he treats her like crap?" I didn't know until the day she died (of cancer) but despite everything she loved him and he loved her. I was so moved that I had a beer with him for the first time in more than 10 years on that day
Continue to prove that you are a better person by showing compassion, if not out of feelings for him than for your mother who will need to draw on your strength through what will be a trying time for her.

[zokah]

BTW make sure you tell him how you feel sometime when he is lucid, you'll need it in the future

[Raven]

not so strange this sympathy of yours. maybe it's due to the fact that fate has come & bitten him on the arse. he no longer can boast or downgrade others because he feels mightier

he does sound like he was a bitter man. maybe life didn't turn out the way he expected. maybe life was supposed to be grander. maybe he disappointed himself with his failures. maybe he always had good fortune & found himself immuned to the rest of the world. whatever it may be, you now release this meak little man is at a dead end street and can no longer intimidate others. it's seems his only companion at this point is pity. & life has no longer any use for him.

[MamaBush]

[QUOTE=zokah]BTW make sure you tell him how you feel sometime when he is lucid, you'll need it in the future[/QUOTE][color=magenta]Thanks for all your comments...but, I have to comment on this one because it made me laugh.[/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]While he may be getting sicker by the year, and is a small shell of what he once was.....he's still a mean asshole, that part of him has not improved. I also have one brother whom he never liked, and that brother attempted to tell him how he has always made him feel from the time he was little (this brother is borderline mentally retarded). My father went off on him, screaming at him, telling him he is no longer his son...cutting him down like you wouldn't believe...so on and so on...and all my brother did was try to tell him how he never felt loved by my father.[/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]So, NO, I will not waste my breath attempting to tell him how he's always made me feel. My mom has tried several times through the years, and my father would simply make nasty comments about me, telling her that I'm "useless", that he could care less if he made me feel unloved and unliked by him, that it's not his problem.[/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]I may be feeling sympathy for the man at this point...but that doesn't mean that he and I will ever have any sort of "relationship" before he dies.....too much nasty polluted water has crossed under that bridge and I can't forget or forgive any of the shit he's done to me over the years. Besides, how can I have a relationship with someone I can't even look at?:tard: [/color]

[zokah]

then tell him just that.
If necessary ask him if he REALLY is your father or is that the reason he hates you. Or that you've had a DNA test to prove he isn't
If he is a mean asshole he deserves it
I think you've had enuff training in psych to understand the importance of not being left with any baggage but YOU are the important one, not him
needless to say make sure your mom isn't around when you do it

[MamaBush]

[QUOTE=zokah]then tell him just that.
If necessary ask him if he REALLY is your father or is that the reason he hates you. Or that you've had a DNA test to prove he isn't
If he is a mean asshole he deserves it
I think you've had enuff training in psych to understand the importance of not being left with any baggage but YOU are the important one, not him
needless to say make sure your mom isn't around when you do it[/QUOTE]:lol: :lol: [color=magenta]OH MY GOD.........did you talk to my Mom and father?[/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]Since I can remember, he's told me that he is not my father (mom says she has never cheated on him...so, unfortunately he is my father). When I was little, his telling me I was not his child all the time hurt me so bad...then as I got older, I wished it were true.[/color]
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[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]And YES.....I know how important it is to not have any BAGGAGE left over when someone dies or is dying.....but, telling him how he's always made me feel will do no good...TRUST ME. He'll just twist it around to suit him. HE IS NEVER WRONG.....EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG AND IS TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN OUR FAMILY.[/color]
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[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]Hell, if my child came to me telling me that I always made her feel unloved and unwanted, I would look internally and figure out a way to change how I made her feel....I WOULD LOOK AT MY ACTIONS AND WHAT I MAY HAVE SAID OR DID TO MAKE HER FEEL THIS WAY.....that's not my father, he has never looked at himself.[/color]

[zokah]

heh, I always get whatever revenge I think I'm entitled to but then I can be a total asshole when required.
For example in this case I'd prolly say something like "So when should I organise the party for?"

[MamaBush]

No matter how much I hate the man....I could never say that to him.


wish I could though

[i`m a wannabe]

the day will come when one short sentence you will say to him will stop him dead in his tracks

[MamaBush]

and pray tell, what will that short sentence be?.....Fuck off???

[zokah]

"goodbye"

[MamaBush]

ha, that is shorter *smiles*

[zokah]

well, if you insist on a sentance append the word "asshole"

[Gnome]

[color=#f1f3f5]I'm always perplexed by how some parents can just go out of their way to try to screw up their kids and leave a legacy of pain and strife. I applaud the child who grows up as intact as possible and goes on to not only excel and be the best person they can be, for themselves, but then be able to raise a child unhindered by that baggage. Not to pass it along to their kids.[/color]

[color=#f1f3f5] [/color]

[color=#f1f3f5]We all too often see that madness and bad blood corrupt generations.[/color]

[color=#f1f3f5] [/color]

[color=#f1f3f5]Fo you Mama that you rose above a difficult upbringing and today fight the good fight, the accomplishments, the strength you developed- nobody can take that from you. [/color]

[color=#f1f3f5] [/color]

[color=#f1f3f5]And that withered old man may or may not understand that, but he can not deny it when he looks you in the eye.[/color]

[color=#f1f3f5] [/color]

[color=#f1f3f5]And that’s possibly why he does what he does.[/color]

[color=#f1f3f5] [/color]

[color=#f1f3f5]Hold your head high girl![/color]

[MamaBush]

Thank you Gnome....and trust me, I do hold my head high.

It's because of him that I became an over achiever and a perfectionist....after years of trying to make him like and love me by excelling in everything I do, it's made me who I am today....and he cannot ever take that from me

[Gnome]

outstanding! ;)

[i`m a wannabe]

[QUOTE=Gnome][color=#f1f3f5]I'm always perplexed by how some parents can just go out of their way to try to screw up their kids and leave a legacy of pain and strife. I applaud the child who grows up as intact as possible and goes on to not only excel and be the best person they can be, for themselves, but then be able to raise a child unhindered by that baggage. Not to pass it along to their kids.[/color]
[/QUOTE]


i think mama has achieved this

[zokah]

I'll be nice instead of trying to make a lame joke





postcount=+1 :D

[i`m a wannabe]

you feeling sick?

[zokah]

nah, it's be nice to mama week

[MamaBush]

:scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared:

[LTDunltd]

[QUOTE=zokah]nah, it's be nice to mama [color=red]week[/color][/QUOTE]

that's thread. :fishsmack smilie:

[MamaBush]

Thank you Larry.

My mom left a message last night, I guess the test came back and my father does not have bone cancer...only the prostrate cancer.

[zokah]

at that age you can live with it.
My father had choose the op over the cathater and now he tells me he can't get it up
Knowing the woman who has been cooking a bit for him over the last couple of years I wouldn't be able to get it up either :D

[i`m a wannabe]

lmfao

[MamaBush]

[QUOTE=zokah]at that age you can live with it.
My father had choose the op over the cathater and now he tells me he can't get it up
Knowing the woman who has been cooking a bit for him over the last couple of years I wouldn't be able to get it up either :D[/QUOTE][color=magenta]Ya, I know at his age he can live with it......and at his age, the cancer will grow very very slowly. I guess he'll be getting some form of hormone shot once every three months to even further slow down it's growth.[/color]
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[color=#ff00ff]And, my father has not been able to get it up for many many years now...he even had a penile implant done (3 times due to problems)...which pissed my Mom off. She DID NOT WANT ANY MORE SEX WITH HIM...plus she said, the implant only made it hard from the base to about half way up...the rest just flopped around :lol: .[/color]

[Tzarks]

It is the time of life no-one looks forward to, the onset of a parent's demise leaves an emotional hole.Yes he was the person to hate for the way he treated You, your Mom, Brother, Uncle and no doubt many other realations and friends. When he has finally gone there will be no-onetoo feel angry at, that's maybe a reason you feel this way inclined. It sounds like you don't want him to go so that you won't have any one to be angry at.
Also, in retrospect, the man before you who was the "gaiant ogre" of your life just turns out to be an ordinary frail, sick old man.
Would you consider even talking to him about his frailty?

[MamaBush]

Nope....we kids cannot sit down and have any kind of deep discussions with this man.....never have been able to....and he's nastier now than he was when we were little, so no way in hell would I even attempt to have a deep discussion with him..plus that would mean I would have to look at him.

And no, I seriously don't think I'm feeling a little bit of sympathy because I'm fearing having no one to hate. This is the only person I have ever truly hated in my life. There's a lot more to the story of how he's always treated me and things he's said and done to me over the years, especially when I was little and naive...but, I don't feel like going into those things in an open forum.


Oh and also, he's always been a small weak man....he's just really small and weak now. He was never one of those big strong protective and loving fathers.

[Tzarks]

He really did have a NAPOLEON complex then?

[MamaBush]

hahaha..he wasn't that "small" physically when I was little...though he is shorter than I am now......I meant "small" as in "small minded"

[Tzarks]

Ah-ha, said Sherlock,
he really was a small statured nit picking over bearing little person. Not using man as I don't believe he should be termed as one.

[zokah]

at this point I'd like to make some contrary points in defence of the man..............









but I can't find any

[MamaBush]

[color=magenta]I will.......he supplied the sperm to help make me[/color]

[zokah]

jumping to his defence like that proves that you love him

[MamaBush]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[i`m a wannabe]

and the smileys prove it

[MamaBush]

[color=magenta]Hell ya....I love the fact that he supplied the sperm to help make me...had he not supplied it, I wouldn't be here as me....I would be here as someone else....or I wouldn't be here at all....then that would mean I would have never gotten to know such a great group of guys......which also means none of you would have had the privilege of knowing me.......which then means I wouldn't have ever found my love XEN.[/color]