Jokes

[LTDunltd]

Since I couldn't find a thread just for them...

post em if you got em

(or if you are like me,wen you find them someplace else:D )

[LTDunltd]

The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received but the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeants penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Sergeant smugly replied... "Vietnam."

[xen]

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

"She's out of control!" the first doctor says. "She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!"

"That's nothing," said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!"

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
"OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!"'

[LTDunltd]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

[i`m a wannabe]

thats a goodie

[zokah]

[QUOTE=LTDunltd]

(or if you are like me,wen you find them someplace else:D )[/QUOTE]

/goes to GG to steal Larrys jokes


There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the comdom out the window. His girlfriend got mad at him as she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car and went to find the condom.

He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give you a dollar."

"Well," the little boy thought, "Okay."

So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!"

[xen]

nasty

[MamaBush]

oh YUCKY

[i`m a wannabe]

so bloody funny

[zokah]

those that can do
those that can't Criticise

[LTDunltd]

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[i`m a wannabe]

you refering to post # 7 ?...lmao

[xen]

hmm...look down wannabe, you see that sickly looking thing hanging loosely, hold that with one hand....now reach around with your other hand and upon feeling around in between your buttocks, you shall find a hole. Now push your little peepee down towards this hole and then GO FUCK YOURSELF!

[LTDunltd]

LTD walks into a bar and sees his friend Xen slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Xen what's wrong.

"Well," replies Xen, "you know that beautiful girl MamaB who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies LTD with a laugh.

"Well," says Xen, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says LTD, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Xen, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says LTD. "So I get to her door," says Xen, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

[wutangstan]

A man runs into a bar and orders a triple whiskey, downs it and orders another. He downs that and has one more. The bartender, amused by this asks him why the rush, he replies, "I just had my first blowjob!"
"congratulations" replies the bartender " have another on me!"
" no thanks" he say's, " if 3 triples doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will.".

Badum tish.

[xen]

sounds like an extract from zokie's memoirs

[LTDunltd]

An Aussie jockey was sitting at a bar in Frankston when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the little Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the little Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the toilet and, as he walks by the little Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The little Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard still sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The little Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fucking crowbar from Bunnings."

[zokah]

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a 'bout a blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off of the end!!!!!!"

[zokah]

There were three prostitutes arguing about whose boyfriend could fit the most up them.

The first prostitute said my boyfriend can fit one fist up me.

The second prostitute said my boyfriend can fit two fists up me.

The third prostitute said I don't mean to brag but could you help me off this stool.

[zokah]

A guy walks into a bar and sees this prostitute in the corner. So he walks up to her and she says..

"For 50 bucks I'll suck your dick and sing the national anthem perfectly."

So he agrees.

She takes him into a room where it's pitch black and she starts to suck his dick. "Oh say can you seee...."

Perfect.

So the next day he goes in the bar and sees the same prostitute there. He says,"I gotta know how you did that!"

She says "I'll do it again for 100 bucks."

So he agrees again.

They go back into the same room and this time he brought a flashlight. She starts to suck his dick and...

"Oh say can you see...."

Perfect.

So he quickly turns on the flashlight and sees a glass eye sitting on the table!

[i`m a wannabe]

[QUOTE=xen]hmm...look down xenry, you see that sickly looking thing hanging loosely, hold that with one hand....now reach around with your other hand and upon feeling around in between your buttocks, you shall find a hole. Now push your little peepee down towards this hole and then GO FUCK YOURSELF![/QUOTE]



is this coming from the voice of experience?

i think it is

[LTDunltd]

A man goes into the unemployment office in Bonnells Bay to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.
"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors and razor. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus a company car and all expenses paid."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up to the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46."
"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a modelling agency right here in Bonnells Bay. They're looking for a 'pubic-hair stylist'."
"The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."

"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job."
The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Sydney."
"Sydney? What do I wanna go to Sydney for?"
"Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"