Punishment Essay for FartFace

[fartface]

I have been instructed in the "questions,questions" thread to start a separate thread for the punishment essay that I've been assigned. Will post the original essay that was rejected for the topic "Why Xen Likes it When Anyone Farts in His Face." and then the make up essay that Xen assigned since he rejected the first one.

[fartface]

Here is the original essay that was rejected for not answering the question.


It is difficult for anyone to understand why Xen likes having a big smelly fart ripped in his face. To understand it, one must first consider not only what a fart is, but what it represents. Farts are one of the most disgusting of god’s inventions. They are embarrassing in many circles. In others, they are a thing to be proud of, not for their beauty, but for their extreme ugliness. They are the final waste product of digestion. They are something that the owner does not want. Finally expelling them brings relief to the creator, but at the cost of causing discomfort and misery to those around him or her. Many features of farts contribute to their disgusting nature, including the sound and pain they can involve. However, nothing is more disgusting than the foul stench of a raunchy fart.

Having now established the disgusting nature of farts, we will now turn our attention to farting on someone’s face. There are many places where one may fart: outside, in a bathroom, in bed alone. None of these spaces invade anyone else’s comfort zones. Other places are inconsiderate places to fart: in a car, in a crowded elevator, on an airplane. The key feature of these locations is that other people are forced to inhale the foul air coming out of your butt. This not only grosses them out, but they have no choice but to smell the rotten air that you have produced.

As nasty as all of those places are for farting, there is one place so disgusting and so humiliating that it almost defies mention: farting in someone’s face. It is the ultimate act of disdain. You are saying to that person, “I want you to experience the nastiest thing I can think of.” For the victim, the meaning is clear. The farter wants to embarrass you and make you uncomfortable.

All of this is why it is so incomprehensible that Xen would actually want someone to fart in his face. While almost anyone else in the world would be repulsed by a face fart and avoid it at all costs, Xen seeks out those who have the loudest, smelliest farts in hopes that they might blast him into oblivion. Man or woman, fat or thin, Xen wants to be tormented and humiliated by other people’s gas. While the goal of this essay was to explain this practice, after thoughtful analysis it obviously defies explanation.

[fartface]

Since Xen's instructions were to "write a new one in a new thread and one that reaches some sort of conclusion and not just inane ramblings that lead nowhere. So either prove xen likes it or that xen doesn't like it."

What better way to prove something than to conduct a study?


A study to prove whether Xen likes it when anyone farts in his face or not (a punishment essay by fart face)

Introduction:

Farting in someone’s face is disgusting and humiliating. Most people would not want to have someone fart in their face (for a detailed discussion of this, see [color=red]www.forumerz.com[/color] (http://www.forumerz.com/)[color=red]).[/color] However, much discussion in internet forums has put forth the idea that Xen, in fact, does enjoy face farts. The aim of this study is to settle this question using a well-controlled, single-blinded paradigm. This format was used to try to separate out whether Xen’s enjoyment/distaste that will be measured is actually for farts or for other people’s asses.

Methods:

No IRB approval was sought for this cruel and unnecessary study. There is only one subject needed to establish the hypothesis, Xen. A panel of experts on Xen’s reactions to positive and negative stimuli has been established, including MamaBush, Gnome, and Zokah. The subject will be placed in a standard barko lounge chair. Attention to the stimulus will be assured through the use of standard ventilation control adhesive (duct brand tape) to prevent the subject from leaving the chair during the stimulus introduction period. Stimulus generation will be provided courtesy of 10 volunteers from local 247 of the international union of professional plumbers. Each stimulus supplier will weigh at least 300 pounds, have a minimum of 250 back hairs, and show at least 1 inch (2.5 cm) of plumber cleavage when bending over to fix a sink. Each stimulus supplier will adhere to the mandatory stimulus generation diet for a period of at least 10 days prior to the study period. This diet will consist exclusively of hard boiled eggs, baked beans, broccoli casserole, onion rings, and anything on the taco bell menu.

During the study period, each stimulus generator will take turns standing in front of Xen for 60 seconds. The fart stimulus will be a big smelly fart in Xen’s face. The non-fart stimulus will be a fat plumber standing in front of Xen and not farting. A random number generator will signal them whether to administer the fart or non-fart stimulus. At the end of 60 seconds, the stimulus generators will rotate. The study period will end once Xen has had 100 face farts.

Subjective interpretation of Xen’s enjoyment of both the fart and non-fart stiumuli will be performed by the judging panel. The panel will observe Xen’s reactions via closed circuit television so as to be insulated from the stimuli. In order to remain blinded to whether the reaction is to a fart/non-fart trial, there will be no sound on the closed circuit picture. The judges will rate Xen’s apparent enjoyment on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most enjoyment.

Results:

A total of 206 fart/non-fart stimuli were administered over a 15 hour period to generate 100 farts in Xen’s face. His average enjoyment score for the non-fart stimulus was 5 (range 2-10) and for the fart stimulus was 9 (range 8-10) (p<0.001). One inadvertent follow-through occurred during a fart stimulus and that trial was excluded from the analysis. Zokah was noted to have fallen asleep during 5 separate stimulus rounds. For those rounds, the scores of the other judges were averaged. At several points during the study, Xen attempted to leave the stimulus char, but was unable to escape from the duct tape, so no stimulus rounds were affected by his squirming. Subgroup analysis showed that there was not significant difference between the trials in which Xen was quiet and those in which he was yelling “let me out! I have to take a leak!” so all of those trial were retained in the final analysis. It was noted that this particular yelling terminated spontaneously after approximately 3 hours, and coincided with reduction is squirming and a relieved but uncomfortable expression on the subject’s face.

Discussion:

The results clearly demonstrate that Xen experienced much more enjoyment when the fat plumbers were farting in his face than when they were not. Some may criticize this study because female stimulus generators were not used. Apart from the difficulty encountered in finding female volunteers who wanted anything to do with farts, it was felt that whether Xen would enjoy a woman farting in his face was already so likely that a formal study proving it was not necessary. Since it was already clear that Xen likes women farting in his face, in order to test the hypothesis that “Xen likes it when anyone farts in his face,” only male farters were needed.


One interesting and not clearly expected result was that Xen had an average enjoyment score of 5 when confronted with a non-farting, fat, hairy, male plumber ass. In several cases, he was even given high ratings of 8, 9, or 10. Folllowup study is needed in order to better understand what aspects of fat men’s hairy asses Xen was responding to, other than their big smelly farts.

[wutangstan]

Well that's pretty damn conclusive.:)

[fartface]

Thanks. Tried to be very methodical.

[wutangstan]

Well you suceeded, well done, that's probably the most scientifically well written essay we've had. They're mostly just inane bollox.

[fartface]

That's funny, cuz my first one had to be rewritten because it was "just inane ramblings that lead nowhere." Apparently what passed before wasn't good enough this time! So I ended up with double punishment.

[zokah]

I had originally approved the first assignment, however this approval was apparently overidden by Raven. It should be noted that this happen approximately 25 hours after xen was seen entering Ravens dungeon. I have no proof that Raven was enticed to use his power to overturn my decision nor that there were any ulterior motives in xen visiting the dungeon, we know that Raven does get lonely when Arcane is absent for any length of time. But squels of joy were also heard in the area.

The research that has gone into this study should at least be nominated for an ignoble prize! (http://www.improb.com/ig/ig-top.html) They have a history of awarding prizes for fart research. Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki, who won in 2002 for his groundbreaking work into the colour of bellybutton lint should have also won when he microspocially anaylised a fart from an 8yo
http://forumerz.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=787&stc=1


However I don't envy the person that has to conduct the follow-up study into why xen was aroused by non-fart 300lb hairy plumbers buttcracks.

[MamaBush]

[QUOTE=wutangstan]Well you suceeded, well done, that's probably the most scientifically well written essay we've had. They're mostly just inane bollox.[/QUOTE][color=magenta]Hey now...I wrote a good punishment essay once...but, I think that was at the old site.[/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff][/color]
[color=#ff00ff]This study that Fart Face wrote about is skewed:dry: [/color]

[zokah]

you should know from experience that you can't just make a claim like that without presenting proof

[wutangstan]

Absolutely, and we must also not detract from the fact that it was very well written too.

[LTDunltd]

or the fact that he did write an essay, unlike some other members who hav....






Opps better stop there :lol:

[fartface]

<Dr. Zoidberg voice> Horray! I'm finally popular!

[Gnome]

Beware- annonimity is a virtue this day and age.

Of course my essay won't be so tidy and succinct, as I'm but an illiterate rube. It will however be very biased, full of errors and bad data and longer or shorter pending on available time.

[zokah]

but it will be served with free beer

[i`m a wannabe]

free beer is the rule

[MamaBush]

can I get some Smirnoff Twisters instead of the free beer?

[Gnome]

Easily done.

[i`m a wannabe]

[QUOTE=MamaBush]can I get some Smirnoff Twisters instead of the free beer?[/QUOTE]

always gotta be an awkward one in the bunch :p

[zokah]

you should know wemmins always wanna be difficult

FREE BEER means FREE BEER nothing else!!

but this bar has other options


http://forumerz.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=789&stc=1


:rolleyes: I thought this was the bar thread

[MamaBush]

[QUOTE=zokah]


:rolleyes: I thought this was the bar thread[/QUOTE][color=magenta]ya you would think that:loco: [/color]

[zokah]

well at least I'm drinking :D

[xen]

that statement would be true regardless of what thread you're in.

[zokah]

I resemble that remark

[LTDunltd]

[QUOTE=zokah]you should know wemmins always wanna be difficult

FREE BEER means FREE BEER nothing else!!

but this bar has other options


http://forumerz.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=789&stc=1


:rolleyes: I thought this was the bar thread[/QUOTE]hey!!!! that's my post:(





but since it was for you.... I'll let it go this time.

( I thought we had a :beer: smiley )

[zokah]

we did but I got thirsty :D

I'm gonna try them all

http://www.accommodationsparkcity.com/images/101%20beers.gif

http://www.nzboards.com/forums/images/smilies/drink.gif

[Gnome]

Oooooo.... Rathskeller......

[zokah]

*hic :wavey: I'm over here by the jukebox. 1 more and I'm over halfway through

[MamaBush]

Get that lamp shade off your head Zokah...you're looking silly

[Gnome]

Lamp shade?

I thought that was a new cap.

[LTDunltd]

[QUOTE=zokah]we did but I got thirsty :D

I'm gonna try them all

http://www.accommodationsparkcity.com/images/101%20beers.gif

http://www.nzboards.com/forums/images/smilies/drink.gif[/QUOTE]there use to be a bar in Cincinnati that had 150 different beers,
they had a score card so you could keep track of which ones you drank and a point system to rate how good was the beer

[zokah]

that sound like a place I'd like to visit :D
Ah well it's October now and thats Fest month. Will they beat last years record of 32 german beers on tap?

[MamaBush]

[QUOTE=LTDunltd]there use to be a bar in Cincinnati that had 150 different beers,
they had a score card so you could keep track of which ones you drank and a point system to rate how good was the beer[/QUOTE][color=magenta]There's an Irish bar near the VA hospital in Milwaukee that does that too....went there once, got laughed at when I asked for a cold beer :( [/color]

[zokah]

wemon :rolleyes:

[xen]

one of my clients refuses to drink any water here in china and is in a constant state of "happiness" due to all the beers he drinks to keep from getting dehydrated :lol: :lol:

[LTDunltd]

[QUOTE=xen]one of my clients refuses to drink any water here in china and is in a constant state of "happiness" due to all the beers he drinks to keep from getting dehydrated :lol: :lol:[/QUOTE]drinking beer makes you dehydrated, so you need to drink more beer, to get more dehyrated, so you drink more beer...
it's a vicious cycle but one I enjoy:D

[zokah]

that explains why I'm always either thirsty or in need of a piss

[Gnome]

I'll never understand the mechanics but- 90% to 95% of beer is water! So where the hell do the extra calories come from? Surely it can't be from the alcohol, that just gets metabolized as a big fat buzz!!?

In all my brewing tomes I can't find any data.

Must do more research... :hyper: :hyper: :hyper:

[zokah]

I'll help :D
I suspect it's caused by the barley, thats the same stuff they use to make barley sugar

[MamaBush]

what about the hops? Don't they also have calories?

[zokah]

nah, they're rabbit food

[LTDunltd]

[QUOTE=zokah]I'll help :D
I suspect it's caused by the barley, thats the same stuff they use to make barley sugar[/QUOTE]the grain used is food ( sugar ) for the yeast to eat and produce alcohol. not all of the sugar is converted. the hops are used to give beer a 'not sugar water flavor'

[Gnome]

Maltose is the complex sugar chain that the yeast breaks down into flavor compounds, CO2, alcohol and what-not. Hops are NOT rabbit food but intertwine with the various fermented malt compounds very intricatly.

It's the yeast and subsequent fermentation that forges the flavor profile of the malt.

Hops not only lend flavor and bitterness to ballance the malt but it also prevents microorganisms from invading the malt (malt is a very suceptable environment for micro-buggies). Hops are my friends.

American style lagers are typicaly jacked up with adjucnts to lend body and alcohol wihtout more costly malt. But I will of course elaborate upon that in more detail when I get around to my essay.

Unless you want this to be the essay? :lol:

[zokah]

The hop growing is also of vital impotance, cooler climates produce the best quality.
In areas that have significant snowfall the best beer also is produced in the middle of spring with water drawn from mountain streams

[i`m a wannabe]

time to move to a mountainous area

[zokah]

Tasmania looks good on a map :D

[Gnome]

So does the Cascades in Washington USA

Where peopel have to worry about Moose eatting the hop vines :lol:

[zokah]

we have to worry about people (mostly men) trying to eat that part of the map :D


http://forumerz.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=796&stc=1


and foreigner think we're just being patriotic when we say how much we love the "map of tassie" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[LTDunltd]

[QUOTE=zokah]we have to worry about people (mostly men) trying to eat that part of the map :D


http://forumerz.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=796&stc=1


and foreigner think we're just being patriotic when we say how much we love the "map of tassie" :lol: :lol: :lol:[/QUOTE]I wouldn't mind visiting that part of the first map:lol:

[zokah]

and not the rest?

[i`m a wannabe]

i think he will get confused with the map and the apple isle

[LTDunltd]

[QUOTE=zokah]and not the rest?[/QUOTE]it's a place to start:D

[zokah]

so you wanna start at the top?

Thats Queensland :p

[i`m a wannabe]

maybe larry likes queens

[MamaBush]

[QUOTE=i`m a wannabe]maybe larry likes queens[/QUOTE]:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[zokah]

*note to self: keep back to wall when Larry visits

[fartface]

you can easily catch your clothes on a nail that way. I don't recommend it.

[xen]

maybe that's what he's hoping for farty

[zokah]

*note to self: also keep back to wall around farty

[wutangstan]

As a matter of interest, I actually have hops growing in my back garden, although they're dying off now what with it nearly being winter an' all. One day i'll get round to trying a bit of brewing I think.

[zokah]

send some to gnome then he can make an international beer :D

[Gnome]

[QUOTE=wutangstan]As a matter of interest, I actually have hops growing in my back garden, although they're dying off now what with it nearly being winter an' all. One day i'll get round to trying a bit of brewing I think.[/QUOTE]

Kickass Stan- brewing is the bomb, to have your own hops for the boil would rock.

Hops will grow here in the Desert but the heat from the growing season would make them about awful. :tard:

[wutangstan]

Certainly sounds interesting, just wondering if I'd be able to pick up some malted barley. I'd imagine you'd have to get it from a wholesalers, and I don't really want to buy a ton of the stuff.

[wutangstan]

Oh, and on the hop thing, do they have to be dried or something? or can you pick 'em and use 'em?

[LTDunltd]

[QUOTE=wutangstan]Oh, and on the hop thing, do they have to be dried or something? or can you pick 'em and use 'em?[/QUOTE]Alot of info here http://my.vbe.com/~hawley/hops.htm

[Gnome]

There are are a ton of Internet mail order places where you can buy malt extracts and specialty malts (grains) to brew with. Which I recomend for a beginer. Once you've done a few extracts plus grains style brews, then you can move on to mashing all grain, which is a lot more fun, and a lot more complicated. I buy my base malt in 50lb sacks like the breweries use. But one sack last me a few months.

Homegrown hops should be dried in a dehydrator. Moist hops are not condusive to utilizing all the Alpha acids trapped inside, as a hop ryzome tends to be a ball of sticky hop oil. Srying it out will allow more surface area for extraction. But whle hops are mostly used for the aroma/flavoring part of the boil. Or for dry hopping while fermenting. Because the actual alpha acid content is unknown it's difficult to use homegrown hops for bittering.

Then theres always a 'hop pillow' I dont have the whole recipe, but adding whole fresh hops with things like lavender and such in a sachel and hang it by your head when you sleep, is useful for vivid and lucid dreaming.

I tend to buy most my stuff from here:

http://www.morebeer.com/

[xen]

wow..an educational thread in forumerz...now i've seen everything

[zokah]

back to when the total postcount @ culture was less than 1k most threads were like that.
I guess we finally got some culture now, isn't that what the treated hops are called? :D

[xen]

i wouldn't know :(

[i`m a wannabe]

seems like xenry is cultured deprived

[zokah]

true, xens most frequent contact with any culture is prolly his visits to the clinic

[xen]

speaking about yourself again zokie?

[zokah]

nope, me no speak with forked tongue and I can type

[i`m a wannabe]

[QUOTE=zokah]true, xens most frequent contact with any culture is prolly his visits to the clinic[/QUOTE]



lmfao