The Joke Thread

[xen]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He find his way to a barstool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,

"Hey bartender, you wanna hear the best dumb blonde joke ever?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things . . .

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!

Now, think about it seriously, mister.

Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

[MamaBush]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[wutangstan]

:hyper:HA!:hyper:..

[zokah]

rates a smirk only cos I already heard it

[zokah]

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see.

They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!"

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement, only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!

The woman that runs the place sees them and says, "OK, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does your father do for a living?"

He says, "Well, my dad is in the lawn mowing business."

So the woman finds a lawn mower and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does your father do for a living?"

He replies in tears, "My dad is in the tool supply industry."

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically. "Why the hell are you laughing? Don't you know what's going to happen to you?"

He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business, you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

[MamaBush]

ha, rates a smirk.....only because I already heard it

[wutangstan]

Double smirk from me!:lol::lol:

[LTDunltd]

[size=2]Worthless Post Whoring

[/size]

[zokah]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

[zokah]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

[zokah]

Three nuns die in a tragic nun-related accident, and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomes them all and informs them that they must confess their sins one final time before entering.

The first nun says 'Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have seen a man's penis.'

'No sweat,' says St. Peter, 'just sprinkle some of that holy water into your eyes and enter', he said, pointing to a holy tub next to the gates.

The third nun turns to the second nun and says, 'better let me go first, I don't want to have to gargle it after you've sat in it.'

[zokah]

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

[i`m a wannabe]

bloody canadians can never figure it out :p

[xen]

actually i think they got it right..:D :D

[i`m a wannabe]

[QUOTE=xen]actually i think they got it right..:D :D[/QUOTE]


it depends if they keep hitting their forehead with various things

[zokah]

if they weren't circumcised they might have been hitting their foreheads with their foreskins

[i`m a wannabe]

they probably club themselves on the head too

[LTDunltd]

dickslap themselves???

[i`m a wannabe]

[QUOTE=LTDunltd]dickslap themselves???[/QUOTE]


roflmfao

[zokah]

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returned from their honeymoon
to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning, the husband woke up,
showered, dressed and made his way to the kitchen where he saw his new wife crying.
So the husband inquired, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Well,I came down here this morning
to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiled
his biggest smile and said, "There,there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook
and clean. Come on up to the bedroom, and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."
So, off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband came home for lunch to
find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?""Well, the
same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch, and I
just can't cook." Again the husband smiled and said, "Why don't you come back up to
the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband came home, walked in the house and saw his newbride buck
naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she ran, and WHOOSH! down the
banister. After the third trip up the stairs, the puzzled husband asked, "What
are you doing, Honey?" She replied with a smile, "Warming up your supper!"

[zokah]

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the
run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the
bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the
bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife,
and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently,
at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair
across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing
you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants
to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you
do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the
wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't
kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute
and asked if we kept the vaseline in the bathroom."

[xen]

old but still funnay! :D

[zokah]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[walzak]

A woman is lying in bed one evening and her husband walks into the room with a sheep under his arm and says "This is the pig I sleep with when you tell me you have a headache"
The wife replys "That a sheep under your arm.
The husband bluntly says "As you can see I was talking to the sheep."

[zokah]

I didn't realise bugger was married

[xen]

:lol: :lol:

[lickateesplit]

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died,
her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...


Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
_________________

[lickateesplit]

True or not, but funny Do you bring your plants in when it gets cold outside??????
If you always thought those little green garden snakes were OK, read
on:
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants,
and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a
little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when
it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the
sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a
shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor
on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt. He
thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had
a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and
loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end Of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the
hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called
on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in
relief.
While relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying
there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife,
who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her
husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back
of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his
scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that he required
hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she
saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so
she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen,
brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the
man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled
the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were
about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all
happened over a little green snake.
They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing
wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One
of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and
hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table
fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started
a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up
and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it
and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire
house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the
arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway
down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put
out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten square city
block area.
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
rebuilt, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their
world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him.
And you thought garden snakes weren't dangerous!
_________________

[zokah]

rofflez

[lickateesplit]

>
> > A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant
> >
> > for an inflatable doll.
> >
> > "Would you like male of female?"
> >
> > "Female, please."
> >
> > "Would you like Black, or White?"
> >
> > "White, please."
> >
> > "Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
> >
> > This question confused the man . . .and he replied,
> >
> > "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an
> >
> > inflatable doll!"
> >
> > "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows
itself up!"

[Gnome]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[xen]

rooflez!!! :lol:

[zokah]

http://www.wheelsjamaica.com/wheels_forum/Smileys/default/lg_rofl.gif

[lickateesplit]

[size=1]Symptom: Beer is crystal clear
Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action to take: Punch the guy who gave you the water.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action to take: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass or bottle held at incorrect angle
Action to take: Adjust angle so open end points to ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: improper bladder control
Action to take: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass or bottle is empty
Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with florescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backward
Action to take: Chain yourself to the bar

Symptom: Mouth filled with cigarette butts
Fault: You have falled forward
Action to take: see above

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your t-shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or container applied to wrong part of face
Action to take: Enter bathroom, confirm mouth location, practice in the mirror

Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty container
Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action to take: Find out if you're being taken to another bar

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar is closed
Action to take: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home

Symptom: Taxi is unusually colorful and "pretty"
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Action to take: Cover mouth

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
Fault: You are dancing on the bar
Action to take: Find someone cushy-looking to land on

Symptom: Your singing sound distorted
Fault: Insufficient beer intake
Action to take: Increase beer intake until it sounds just right

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Fault: Correct beer intake
Action to take: Play air guitar

Symptom: Unattractive woman in your sights
Fault: Insufficient beer intake
Action to take: Up the dosage

Symptom: Shins and toes hurt
Fault: You've been walking into things
Action to take: Mantain dosage

Symptom: Squishy feeling in the hands
Fault: You've grabbed a woman's breasts
Action to take: If boyfriend exists, duck to avoid punch. If no boyfriend exists, ask for name and phone number

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Fault: You've been in a fight
Action to take: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Symptom: Bed is stiff and bumping around, wierd people standing around you
Fault: Taking a ride in an ambulance
Action to take: No action necessary, you've already made an ass out of yourself.
_________________[/size]

[zokah]

guilty as charged :D

[xen]

:lol: :lol:

[zokah]

BULLFROGS & BLOWJOBS!!!

Bumps wife went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would b a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"

[xen]

not really a joke but hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaha (http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,16259413-13762,00.html)

[wutangstan]

Chinese Torture !!!

Once there was a man that had survived a terrible plane crash and was lost in
a forest. He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days
and survived on berries and twigs. He was way too slow to catch any kind of
animal and couldn't even start a fire. He should have joined the boy scouts
when he was young. After two weeks of wandering he found a thin, but three
story house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Without hesitation he
knocked on the door. A little man answered the door. He had a long white beard
that hung almost to the floor.

Please sir, I need some food and shelter. Said the young man.

This I will give you but you must promise not to fool with my lovely daughter.
The old man said.

Thank you and I wouldn't think of messing with your daughter.

For if you do I will inflict the three most gruesome Chinese torture tests
that have ever been devised. The man, too weak, agreed, not thinking that any
woman could arouse him in his weak state. After a shower and some sleep the man
came down to eat. A grand dinner was set up and the man sat to eat. The old
man's daughter entered the room and to great surprise of the young man, she
was most beautiful. So beautiful that the man could hardly tear his eyes away
from her during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into the girl's room to take one last look at
her for he had promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man
gave him. When he opened the door he saw that the girl was awake and to his
surprise she ushered him in. Well, being stuck in a forest with just your
father doesn't surpress all urges, so one thing lead to another. They were as
quiet as possible not to wake the old man. After a few hours (OH WOW) the man
crept to his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he had just
done. He fell asleep thinking of her.

Early in the morning he got up and felt an enormous pain on his chest. It was a
rock with a sign on it that said: 1st Chinese torture, 100 pound rock on chest !

Well, this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate as torture and threw
the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second sign just outside the
window that said: 2nd Chinese torture, Left testicle tied to 100 pound rock !

The man jumped out of the window without hestitation knowing a 3 story drop
would be far better than what was in store for him.

As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said: 3rd
Chinese torture, right testicle tied to bed post !

[wutangstan]

Male or Female

Recently, a group of male computer scientists announced that computers, like
ships, should be referred to as female This is why:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate to other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you
don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

However another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers
should be referred to as male.

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are
the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realise that, if you had waited a little
longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

[wutangstan]

What a woman really means.
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
The answer to "What's wrong?":
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

[xen]

my wife's credit card got stolen....but I haven't cancelled it coz the thief spends
less than she did....

[MamaBush]

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[zokah]

Donny Rumsfeld is giving dubya the daily briefing....
"Yesterday 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed"
"Oh no!" the prez exclaimed "Thats unbelievably terrible"
His staff sits stunned by the display of emotions as he sits with his head in his hands.
Finally he looks up and asks "How many is a brazillion again?"

[xen]

buahahahahahahaa

[wutangstan]

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It
> > > was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of
> > > the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
> > > broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a
> > > dustbin.
> > >
> > > Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
> > > >rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box
> > > >approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
> > > >clearly....It was a coffin.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
> > > >walking briskly home.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
> > > >faster.........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP..
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
> > > >heard the coffin speed up after him......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
",1] ); //-->> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
> > > >walking briskly home.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
> > > >faster.........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP..
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
> > > >heard the coffin speed up after him......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
> > >
> > >
> > > >BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
> > >
> > >
> > > >Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
> > > only
> > > >seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
> > > >His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
> > > >slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
> > > >slumped into his comfy chair.
> > > >Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
> > > >the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
> > > >allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
> > > its
> > > >chase.....
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
",1] ); //-->> > > >
> > > >He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.... .
> > >
> > >
> > > >BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
> > >
> > >
> > > >Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
> > > only
> > > >seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
> > > >His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
> > > >slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
> > > >slumped into his comfy chair.
> > > >Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
> > > >the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
> > > >allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
> > > its
> > > >chase.....
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
> > > >take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
> > > >launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
> > > >bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
> > > >The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
> > > >terrified lad.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
",1] ); //-->> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
> > > >take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
> > > >launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
> > > >bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
> > > >The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
> > > >terrified lad.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
> > > >
> > > >He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
> > > >coffin.......still it came .
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it
> > > >came......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >The coffin stopped!!

[LTDunltd]

FFS go back and edit out the damn repeats.:dry:

[zokah]

it makes it less than funny

[wutangstan]

Oops. sorted. Now it's funny.

[zokah]

but you've already blown the punch line :(

[wutangstan]

Not if you haven't read it yet.

[zokah]

but I have

[wutangstan]

Well then you don't need to worry about it. Just walk away. leave the joke thread for a while, come back later when their might be a new one that hasn't been fucked up.

[zokah]

like thats ever gonna happen :D

[i`m a wannabe]

i can still see repeats

[zokah]

worse than commercial TV innit? :D

[xen]

the whole repeat saga is funnier than the joke itself :lol:

[i`m a wannabe]

[QUOTE=xen]the whole repeat saga is funnier than the joke itself :lol:[/QUOTE]



^^ maybe that is the hidden punch line

[zokah]

flaming stan is the punchline

[i`m a wannabe]

so what else is new...someone is always gettin flamed in here....lmao

[xen]

perhaps it's your turn to get flamed

[zokah]

did mama get flamed? (http://www.dumpalink.com/media/1128941096)

[LTDunltd]

Roasted titties... it's what's for dinner

[lickateesplit]

Subject: A first-grade teacher


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

[xen]

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH!!!!

[i`m a wannabe]

bloody funny

[zokah]

rofflez

[lickateesplit]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens It and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road ....Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some
drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely, gonna
be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,

what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[lickateesplit]

The Six Types of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex. This occurs during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, in the kitchen on the table, etc.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is called oral sex by some

There is a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This happens when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

The sixth kind of sex is Social Security Sex -- that's when you get a little once a month but it's not enough to live on.
_________________

[elmtree]

So this Irishman gets up and walks out of a bar....:lol:

[zokah]

coupla good 1s lick :D

[MamaBush]

ha....I liked the ELMTREE joke better.....FUNNY FUCK *laughs*

[elmtree]

Well I liked Licks jokes better! So there!

[elmtree]

Two blondes are walking through the snow when they see a set of tracks
The first blonde says " those are deer tracks"
The second blonde says " I think they're bear tracks"
The first blonde replys " I grew up around here and I know what deer tracks look like"
The second blonde says " look, I think I know...

Then the train hit them...

[zokah]

hehehehe

[lickateesplit]

Then the train hit them... That's funny. :D

[lickateesplit]

We've all heard about people having guts or
balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS- is coming home late after a night out
with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the a$$ and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[lickateesplit]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process,she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in.....

P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[elmtree]

[font=Times][size=4]Happy Gorrila[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana,][size=2]It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife
are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute,
loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal
jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps
up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom
at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making
noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan
it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy
and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a
headache . . . " [/size][/font]

[elmtree]

[font=Times][size=4]Asking Mommy[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana,][size=2]Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex." [/size][/font]

[elmtree]

[font=Times][size=4]Chimney's Obstacle[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana,][size=2]Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!" [/size][/font]

[elmtree]

[font=Times][size=4]The Poor Camel[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana,][size=2]The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are." [/size][/font]

[lickateesplit]

HUSBAND WANTED
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You are not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you....you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I can't run around on you!"

She snorted, "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.

"Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said,

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[xen]

:lol: :lol:

[lickateesplit]

Comments made in the year 1957
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

[elmtree]

[font=Microsoft Sans Serif][size=3][color=royalblue]"Toothless Smack whores are charging a nickel now"!!![/color][/size][/font]

[zokah]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

[elmtree]

[font=Georgia][size=3][color=royalblue]A child molester is walking a child into the woods. After a minute of walking the child says "I'm scared". The child molester says "You're scared......[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Georgia][size=3][color=#4169e1]I gotta walk back outta here alone"[/color][/size][/font]
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[elmtree]

[font=Book Antiqua][size=3][color=sandybrown]A dude and his buddy are driving along when they approach a stop light. The dude justs drives right through the red light. "What the hell are you doing?" asks the buddy. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time." After some more driving he approaches another red light and sure enough, blasts right through it. "What the Fuck?!" says the buddy. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time". Then they approach a green light and the dude stops. "Now what?" says the buddy. Dude says " I gotta look both ways, my brother might be coming".[/color][/size][/font]

[elmtree]

[font=Arial Black][size=3][color=red]*Warning* This next joke is highly racist and offensive. It in no way reflects the views or beliefs of the author.[/color][/size][/font]

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[font=Tahoma][size=3][color=purple]Did you hear about Klu Klux Klanevil's last stunt?[/color][/size][/font]
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[font=Tahoma][size=3][color=#800080]He tried to jump 20 black men with a steamroller.[/color][/size][/font]

[i`m a wannabe]

elmo cracks me up

[zokah]

Female hormones in beer

(this really scares me)

Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that
beer contains female hormones (since hops contain phytoeostrogens) and
drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink
within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to
apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.

[xen]

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.



After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

[xen]

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.



How can you tell which one is the prostitute?



It's the one with the little sticker that says...



I - DA - HO

[xen]

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.



Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H



Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.



With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:



"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[xen]

What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has pricks on the outside!

[xen]

Knock, knock

Who's there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless.

[zokah]

2 "olds" 2 "*groans" and 1 "LOL"

not bad 370HSSV :D

[xen]

well at least you found one funny.....370HSSV

[lickateesplit]

[QUOTE=zokah]2 "olds" 2 "*groans" and 1 "LOL"

not bad 370HSSV :D[/QUOTE] I liked the I DA Ho one too

[MamaBush]

I liked them all.....a funny man is a sexy man....YUP YUP

[zokah]

yeah, we know xenry is "funny"

[xen]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washing ton." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappear s into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?

[zokah]

now thats better

[lickateesplit]

Haven't heard that one in years Xen, still funny.

[MamaBush]

[color=magenta]That one was funny enough to make me have an orgasm....ooooooooyaaaaaaa[/color]

[lickateesplit]

Al Queda Caller ID. http://current.cf.huffingtonpost.com/

[MamaBush]

hmmmmm....not really funny. SOWWY

[zokah]

I gotta agree

[MamaBush]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps."One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[zokah]

http://smilies.vidahost.com/contrib/ruinkai/biggrinyoyoA.gif

[xen]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!" Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!" and
Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

[zokah]

don't ya hate a know-it-all? :lol:

[ORB]

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the
meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two
or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your
eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in
my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces.


s-h-i-t!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.:blowie:

[xen]

aaaahahahahahaha :lol:

[zokah]

it's still good ;)

[MamaBush]

tee hee

[xen]

anyone heard any good ones recently?

[Gnome]

God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"


Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"


Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

[xen]

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

"That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state
handled it instead of the federal government.”

“Why’s that?” asks his friend.

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d have decided to lower the highways.”

[zokah]

*groans

[Gnome]

oofda!